Entry 1

Enough.

Am I enough? 
Are my reasons of sadness enough?
to be sad
and to seek consolation

Are my skills enough?
to say i can do that
and to seem legit

Is my present for your birthday enough?
for you to smile
and to be grateful

Is my help to you enough?
to ask the same from you when needed

Is my heart enough to you?
to not get bored
and find another

Is my strength at gym enough?
or i can squat with weight twice harder

And is my face here cute enough?
to post this pic for you to bother.

Am I enough?

my voice trembles and cheeks redden as I intend to ask a favor which I would luckily do for you. The only question in my head persists
am i enough? am i too much?
won't you get tired of my asks and go to someone which gives
But. To be fair. I
Cared. Really. bought you gifts when you needed them. was there
when you needed me. my house became
a place to rest when tired. Did you...
use me? And i still worry...
I'm not enough


Entry 2

I want to be like you..

-Really? Then be ready to...
constantly worry. did a drop of sweat spoil your shirt?
do i smell nice or like a cheap canteen?
do i sit.., right? like..
where should i put my legs? don't they
look too fat? when i talk, do i
maintain enough eye contact or
look away as usual?
when should i say
this?
i rehearsed it 20 times in my head, need to find a moment.
now?
ok, never.
how do i look for a person behind?
do i walk....
in a pretty way?
does my voice sound okay when i say 'here'?
my friends are looking at me, shit.
i forgot to smile and express emotions.
now they're going to ask me something.
is it my acquaintance? should i say..
hi/smile/walk away?
to watch their story or not?
to work out?
to live or not to live?


entry 3

why?

why do i feel like
i'm a scam?
posting cute pics with instagram filters
hiding my bad skin.
starting a new hobby, notifying my friends
them thinking i'm a perfect
and talented queen.
then me quitting this thing to start a new one.
just to know everything, but..
it makes me feel like i know nothing.
i want to seem interesting to anyone.
but again why.
do i think that if someone is really good at
something i'm not.
they are better than me and i don't
deserve them?
why... do i think that
what i say to people is boring?
why do i keep silent because my "words
are not important".
"my joke is not funny"
"my comment is not accurate".
why? do i make assumptions that
people judge? hate? talk shit?
don't i like people? then why
do i give them bad traits.